Caller: I'd like to report a crime.
Operator: What kind of crime?
Caller: There's someone here with a bottle.
Operator: A bottle?
Caller: A glass bottle.
Operator: And that's a crime?
Caller: (whispering) yes. We're in a grass lot. You can't have them . . . oh God he's coming this way. I'm going to have to . . .
[static]
[click]
Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Caller: I need an ambulance?
Operator: Have you been hurt in an accident?
Caller: Um, no. I just got beat up for calling about that bottle.
Operator: Sir, prank calls are a serious matter.
Caller: This isn't a prank. I think I'm bleeding. Seriously bleeding. I lost a tooth and my nose is broke.
Operator: I'll send the medics.
Caller: I think my spleen is hanging out.
Operator: They're on their way.
Caller: (crying) Please hurry. I don't know where the bottle ended up.
[Click]
Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Caller: Someone stole my offense!
Operator: Your offense? Do you need the police?
Caller: It's gone! I went to the bathroom at halftime, I stopped to get some nachos--the lines were reeeeally long, and I get back and bam! It's gone. Someone took it.
Operator: Sir, I'm not sure this is an emergency.
Caller: Holy Crap! We can't score on Akron. If that ain't an emergency . . . oh, crap. I just spilled cheese on my shorts. Can you help me with that too?
[click]
Caller: Someone stole my offense!
Operator: Your offense? Do you need the police?
Caller: It's gone! I went to the bathroom at halftime, I stopped to get some nachos--the lines were reeeeally long, and I get back and bam! It's gone. Someone took it.
Operator: Sir, I'm not sure this is an emergency.
Caller: Holy Crap! We can't score on Akron. If that ain't an emergency . . . oh, crap. I just spilled cheese on my shorts. Can you help me with that too?
[click]
Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Caller: (breathless) I need help.
Operator: What's the problem, sir.
Caller: I can't stand this anymore.
Operator: Are you suicidal?
Caller: No. Yes. No. Maybe. Oh, My God, they're playing Sweet Caroline again. I can't stand it. I think my head is going to explode.
Operator: Sir, where are you? What's going on?
Caller: I'm at the football game. And they're playing . . . [singing along] bom, bom, bom . . . um, Sweet Caroline. Crap, I'm going to have this tune in my head the rest of the day. I think I'm going to scream!
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I think you're just going to have to suck it up.
[click]
Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Caller: I can't find my car.
Caller: I can't find my car.
Operator: Do you think it's stolen?
Caller: I don't know. I can't find it. Maybe shomeone. . . shomebody, shtole it.
Operator: Sir, have you been drinking?
Caller: Hell yes. M . . .m . . . most of the day. I went into the game and I came out and now I can't find my freaking car. Dude? Have you seen my car. . . . . That dude hashn't sheen my car either.
Operator: Are you sure you're in the right parking lot?
Caller: You mean there's more than one?
[click]
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