Friday, September 11, 2009

Penn State 9-1-1

Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Caller: I'd like to report a crime.

Operator: What kind of crime?

Caller: There's someone here with a bottle.

Operator: A bottle?

Caller: A glass bottle.

Operator: And that's a crime?

Caller: (whispering) yes. We're in a grass lot. You can't have them . . . oh God he's coming this way. I'm going to have to . . .



Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Caller: I need an ambulance?

Operator: Have you been hurt in an accident?

Caller: Um, no. I just got beat up for calling about that bottle.

Operator: Sir, prank calls are a serious matter.

Caller: This isn't a prank. I think I'm bleeding. Seriously bleeding. I lost a tooth and my nose is broke.

Operator: I'll send the medics.

Caller: I think my spleen is hanging out.

Operator: They're on their way.

Caller: (crying) Please hurry. I don't know where the bottle ended up.


Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Caller: Someone stole my offense!

Operator: Your offense? Do you need the police?

Caller: It's gone! I went to the bathroom at halftime, I stopped to get some nachos--the lines were reeeeally long, and I get back and bam! It's gone. Someone took it.

Operator: Sir, I'm not sure this is an emergency.

Caller: Holy Crap! We can't score on Akron. If that ain't an emergency . . . oh, crap. I just spilled cheese on my shorts. Can you help me with that too?


Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Caller: (breathless) I need help.

Operator: What's the problem, sir.

Caller: I can't stand this anymore.

Operator: Are you suicidal?

Caller: No. Yes. No. Maybe. Oh, My God, they're playing Sweet Caroline again. I can't stand it. I think my head is going to explode.

Operator: Sir, where are you? What's going on?

Caller: I'm at the football game. And they're playing . . . [singing along] bom, bom, bom . . . um, Sweet Caroline. Crap, I'm going to have this tune in my head the rest of the day. I think I'm going to scream!

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I think you're just going to have to suck it up.


Operator: 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Caller: I can't find my car.

Operator: Do you think it's stolen?

Caller: I don't know. I can't find it. Maybe shomeone. . . shomebody, shtole it.

Operator: Sir, have you been drinking?

Caller: Hell yes. M . . .m . . . most of the day. I went into the game and I came out and now I can't find my freaking car. Dude? Have you seen my car. . . . . That dude hashn't sheen my car either.

Operator: Are you sure you're in the right parking lot?

Caller: You mean there's more than one?


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