More Monkey Theory

I already posted a rather worthless diatribe about Paterno being selfish. (A roomful of monkeys typing for infinity would eventually produce the works of Shakespeare--for blogs, it appears they would not need so much time.)

Uncle Mike (a monkey's uncle!) put together his list of most hated opponents--non-players. Number One on this Rutger's fan list?

Joe Paterno.

1. Joe Paterno, Pennsylvania State University football. Ol' Ratface spent the better part of 30 years picking on the teams now in the Big East Conference, then went to the Big Ten. Penn State fans whine about how, with undefeated teams in 1969, 1970, 1973 and 1994, the Nittany Lions were not awarded the National Championship. Maybe it's karma for Paterno running up the score on weaker Eastern opponents, thus inflating their records. And also for and poaching players from other territories. Two of his best players -- Franco Harris of Mount Holly and Rancocas Valley High, and Kenny Jackson of South River -- were among the many he has poached from New Jersey, and whose first choice could have been Rutgers. He's taken New Yorkers away from Syracuse, New Englanders away from Boston College, and Cheseapeake Valley players away from Maryland, Virginia, Virginia Tech and West Virginia.

The last time Penn State played Rutgers, at Giants Stadium in 1995, Penn State was leading 52-34, and Paterno had his quarterback pass with an 18-point lead near the end of the game. Touchdown, 59-34. When it was over, Rutgers coach Doug Graber -- whose job was in jeopardy and was indeed fired after the season, though he has returned to RU as a radio broadcaster -- did not shake Paterno's hand afterward, instead telling him what a classless SOB he is. Well, that may not have been Graber's
exact phrase, but it might as well have been. And this great patriotic conservative Christian known as "Saint Joseph" among his fans, he cursed right back. Later, he apologized to the press for his profanity -- but not for his classless coaching, saying, "I should not have to apologize for (my quarterback) doing what he has been coached to do." (I won't name that quarterback here: He's a henchman, not the villain.)

Now that Rutgers is a consistent winner, that cowardly old bastard won't play us. Come on, Ratface, you deserve one last lesson in manners before you head off to that great press box in the... core of the Earth.

Among Rutgers’ football opponents, there is no Number 2. Princeton? The last time Princeton football mattered at what we would now call the Division I-A level, I wasn’t born yet, and besides, how can I hate Princeton? I can’t. Syracuse? Nah, aside from their uniforms there’s nothing truly offensive about them. Pitt? Well, Jackie Sherrill… nah, didn’t piss me off enough. UConn? In football? Forget it. Probably the closest is Bobby Petrino from his Louisville days, but that was a brief interlude.

Paterno is eternal. When he finally dies, the Shittany Lions will probably mummify him and turn the Beaver Stadium press box into their own version of Lenin’s Tomb. They already call the stadium “Saint Joe Paterno Cathedral.”For longevity, for amount of defeats, for size of defeats, for style of defeats, for arrogance, and, yes, for ugliness (he really does look like a rat), Joe Paterno tops the list. Congratulations, Penn State: You are Number 1. You dirty bastards.

WooHoo! We're, um, number one.

Now that is some good old fashioned hatred right there. And to think I have been accused of spewing venom! It's amazing how a handful of good seasons makes Rutger's fans think they are equals in the football world with the likes of Penn State. The player poaching theory is just ludicrous. If those players weren't recruited by Penn State, they would have been recruited by Ohio State or Florida State, or some other state. The blogger seems to think they would have gone to Rutgers if it weren't for Joe, as though Rutgers was their only other choice!

Many Penn State fans now view Ohio State and/or THEM as our new rivals, even though we know that these games don't have the tradition and puke factor that other rivalries in the Big Ten carry. (For the sake of argument, we shall assume that there are other rivalries of note besides Ohio State- THEM, even though it is clear that that is THE only GAME that counts in the conference.)

But Pitt and Rutgers still cling to the rivalries of the past. And I doubt many Penn Staters ever thought of Rutgers as a rival. Of course, that was because they didn't win consistently.

Has anyone ever heard Beaver Stadium called St. Joe Paterno Cathedral? That's a first for me. The House that Joe Built--yes. Cathedral? Not so much.

But Uncle Mike's entitled to his opinion and I have no inclination to add a comment on his site nor email Aunt Mike to let her know that he's using nasty language.