Friday, May 11, 2012

Automotive Fans

Do you ever find yourself overcome with road rage?

If you answered no, then I presume you have never driven.

Seriously.  I can't drive more than a mile away from my house before some idiot or numbnutz either 1) pulls out in front of me, 2) cuts me off, 3) fails to drive somewhere in the general vicinity of the speed limit, 4) makes a turn without a turn signal (better yet, a right turn from the left lane or coming to a near complete stop before actually making the turn), and . . . you get the picture.  I don't have enough bandwidth to enumerate all the idiocy that rolls down our highways.

If these so-called drivers are as incompetent at their jobs or in their personal relationships, this country is in some serious trouble.

But why bring this up now and on this blog?

On the way home tonight, I got behind one of those people who have to leave a car length or more in front of them while waiting for a traffic light to turn.  I had just exited I-99 to get on Plank Road and traffic was fairly heavy--there were a lot of cars waiting for the light to change.

Now if you are a competent driver, you know that the traffic light only stays green for a certain amount of time.  Cars can't travel the speed of light, so only a finite number will be able to get through that light when it changes.  (Even if we could travel at the speed of light, the number would still be finite, but everyone on that God-forsaken ramp would have been able to get through the light.  Of course, if you are travelling at the speed of light and the light changes, will you even see it?  But I digress.)

Thanks to the driver with personal space issues, one less car will get through the light.

And yes, you guessed it.  That car was me.

So now, thanks to that dimwit, I, and probably another car behind me (because when the light changed and traffic started moving, Mr. I-can't-get-too-close-to-anyone-else waits even longer so now there are TWO car lengths between us and the next car before he even takes his foot off the brake) must now sit through this interminable light AGAIN.  In case you are wondering, he went through after the light changed red!  Had it been yellow or "orange" I would have tailgated his slow neurotic ass through the intersection.  Probably (probably not since Plank Road is two-lanes and it would be a cold day in Hell, MI before I would willingly sit behind that guy) would have been stuck behind beside him or the extra space in front of him for his imaginary friend at the next light since the idiots at Penn DOT have it timed so that you hit the next one red as well.  Brilliant!  The dumb shits have already sat at one light for three minutes.  Let's make them do it again!  Good one, Penn DOn'T.  But . . . I digress.

Back to our agoraphobic driver. . .

Maybe he has a depth perception problem.  Shouldn't be driving then.

Maybe he is a she.  That was a woman???!!!  I'm sorry to sound sexist, but really!  I swear every female driver is either talking on the phone, smoking, putting on makeup or running her hands through her hair--and maybe all of the above at the same time.  Can't you drive from point A to point B without calling someone?  What did these people do before cell phones?  Did they just chatter endlessly to themselves?  I know.  I know.  I have digressed again and plenty of men smoke and use cell phones too.  I guess some of them put on makeup but I don't want to digress there.

Maybe he is a brainless idiot.

The latter was confirmed when I realized this incompetent buffoon had a Notre Dame sticker on his back window, which I could see really well since I was practically parking on top of his trunk in an effort to encourage him to move up and play nice with the rest of us.

I have had other occasions when rude drivers cross my path, but their cars have Penn State, Steeler, or Penguin decals/flags/license plates.  I find my road rage is less when the moron shares my enthusiasm for the same team.

And the converse is also true--the road rage is heightened when the offending driver sports a Baltimore Raven, Ohio State, THEM or Pitt logo somewhere on their vehicle of mass confusion.

What do you think?  Do you have trouble staying mad at fellow Penn Staters on the road (or in the parking lots at Beaver Stadium?)

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