Thursday, August 11, 2011

Friday Funnies

A few hours early and 50 cents short . . .

Rich Ripley writes a blog with a "full day's worth of fiber."

He pokes fun at coaches press conferences.  For instance:

Reporter: Hey coach, thanks for taking a moment out of your busy schedule to talk to us this morning.

Coach: No problem Phil. We appreciate letting our avid fans get the inside scoop on our big game against State Tech.

Translation: Since my DUI conviction two summers ago it’s in my contract that I have to sit through these idiotic Q & A sessions.

Reporter: First things first, how’s your relationship with State Tech coach Bobby Franklin? Rumors are flying since your wife left you for him and he owns a 5-0 record against you.

Coach: Well let me tell you a little something about Coach Franklins teams…you gotta be well prepared ‘cuz Coach Franklins one of the best coaches in the nation. He’s assembled a top-notch staff, recruited some of this nations best football players and is thoroughly prepared for every situation. As for Marlys leaving me, I wish her well and there’s absolutely no hard feelings. End of story.

Translation: I can’t stand Franklin! He’s handsome, muscular, has great hair and screws anything in his path, including my Marlys. He’s intelligent, plays the guitar, writes poetry and no one, and I repeat NO ONE mentions the prick’s name in my presence, and I miss Marlys horribly. Tell her I said “hi”…would ya?

Reporter: If you can get Myers slowed down, that will open the door for their four time All-American quarterback, Troy Aikman Jr. to throw the ball downfield. How do you intend to counter that threat? He’s set and broken national records each time that he’s played against you. He’s a genuine Heisman candidate.

Coach: Aikman Jr has been a thorn in our side each of the times that he’s played against us, and he’s a real class act. Our secondary coach, Steve Peters, has been working around the clock on a plan to take away State Tech’s air superiority. Look for Coach Peters to have a few tricks up his sleeve this Saturday. I guarantee it.

Translation: Isn’t Aikman in the NFL yet?! HONESTLY!! Oh. My. GOD. It’s like watching a superhero play the position of quarterback against a team of eighth graders whenever we have to play against him. I really hate him. I told our secondary coach that his job was on the line this Saturday if Myers broke another single game passing record against us. Last year Myers threw for 975 yards in one game!!! 975 YARDS!!! How on earth does that happen?

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