More Than You Care To Know

How much do you know about Eastern Michigan University?

Liar!  You do not.  Except for you.  Yeah, you there in there corner of the Internet, hunched over your computer in your mother's basement wearing the EMU sweatshirt.  You know, but you went there.  That doesn't count.

For the rest of us, EMU is a school (we presume) in Michigan (one of the 50 states that is not Alaska or Hawaii) and probably, but not necessarily, in the eastern part of that state.  It might as well be in Kalamazoo for all I know.

Well, after exhaustive research (somebody from EMU owes me a beer) I discovered that EMU is in Ypsilanti, Michigan.  It might as well be in Kalamazoo for all I know.  Kalamazoo would be better.  Or Hell, Michigan.  Actually, a city in another state might be best.

For many years, the school played under the name Michigan State Normal College, probably to distinguish it from the Michigan State Abnormal College (which ultimately adopted the wolverine and became THEM.)  The MSNC were known as the Hurons and had an Indian mascot.  Perish the thought!

So like any liberal University that eschews censorship and narrow mindedness, they bent to politically correct pressure and cast their Indian Heritage aside for the eagle.

Now I ask you, why didn't they just the keep the Hurons and adopt the Great Lake as their mascot?  Okay, a great lake as a mascot would be pretty silly.  Maybe the Herons--like the bird.  Not as noble as the eagle, but certainly rare among mascots.  Or even the emu, kind of an obvious choice if you ask me and there aren't many emu mascots running around.  Just ask this guy.

I'm a Great Lake . . . only smaller!

But they didn't.  They adopted the Eagle over the Green Hornets and the Express.  I have absolutely no clue why the Express would be considered in this discussion.  Maybe it's like the first level of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and it's just a humorous choice that only a moron would pick. 

There is actually a Huron Restoration Chapter of Alumni . . . "once a Huron, always a Huron!"

Alrighty then.

Their school colors are GREEN and WHITE.  Like Michigan State, only more eastern and less Greek.

The team is coached by Ron English, erstwhile defensive coordinator from THEM, who is 4-23 in his third year.   Of course, the bar is considerably lower in Eastern Michigan.

• an all-time record of 428-519-47
• never ended a season ranked in any major poll
• eight winless seasons, in 1891, 1910, 1941, 1949, 1960, 1961, 1981 and 2009
•  is among the worst Division I FBS schools both in all-time win percentage (45.4%, for 107 out of 120) and in all-time scoring margin (-1898, for 108 out of 120)
• a 27-game losing streak in the early 1980s
• lost 14-3 in the 1971 Pioneer Bowl in Wichita Falls, TX

That is some unimpressive history there.  But they did win a bowl game, upsetting San Jose State in the 1987 California Bowl after winning their only MAC championship.

They have won the Michigan MAC Trophy (awarded to the best team among Eastern, Central and Western Michigan) twice, in 2007-8.

Their stadium is named for a former coach, Elton Rynearson, who sounds vaguely, and perhaps disturbingly, like Ned Ryerson of Groundhog Day fame.  This man was able to lead this team to two undefeated seasons--in the 1920's.  He also played baseball for the Kalamazoo Kazoos!  He died in Ann Arbor, probably under suspicious circumstances.

Famous Alumni include George Allen, and current NFL players Charlie Batch, Jason Jones, T.J. Lang and Kevin Walters.

What more do you need to know?

Don't ask me, ask the guy with the Eastern Michigan flag hanging in the corner of his basement.